its set of
dos and don'ts,
etiquette which you need to learn
e.g. what to write in your profile, your emails, what
kind of photo to put,
when to give out your phone number,
etc. Same as learning a new set of social
customs in a new setting, whether you start out to night
clubs or make a move to a new city or country, the
online dating board also has its
set of rules. And the faster you learn
them, the faster you start reaping the fruits-meeting
lots of new people, going out a lot, and having a good
online dating men are initiating
the first contact more often than women.
This is probably because male profiles outnumber
female profiles (data from Amigos.com).
However, for both parties, romance
is still a numbers game.
means is: get ready to contact a large number of people.
People are inundated with virtual
icebreakers, so it's your
profile and what your write about
yourself which will set you apart.
After creating an informative and catchy
Ad, you can generally start out
by sending a simple message to
the people you are interested in: "Hello, I am
xxxx, I liked your profile, and
would like to get to know you
better. Please write me at *your-email-address*
if you are interested." This email is an
invitation for the other person to come and have a look
at your profile - the profile should do the talking.
Long introductory, tailor-made emails are a waste of
time - because people are getting lots of emails and
will often ignore a long-winded email. You
need to send a simple "first contact" email out to a lot
of people, and soon you should get some good responses
to your Ad.
the Ads of the people you write to carefully before
writing to them, you might be
just wasting your time (e.g. religious
importance of clear and informative ads
cannot be overstressed. Not to mention that if you just
say "I am looking around to meet some people, was just
curious.." a lot of bored people from
Germany will be writing you! In general, the more
information you put in your Ad, the less the number of
useless responses you receive. An intelligent person
should spend a good amount of
time looking at other people's
Ads, because selecting dates or a partner is
probably the most important thing we do in our adult
life. With that, keep in mind that even after
you have started meeting people, you may not get "hooked
up" right away. Give it a few months at least before you
get some results. Communication should evolve from email
exchanges to telephone conversations (for security
purposes, just to avoid the offhand lunatic out there,
make sure you have the other party's number), and then
to a personal meeting for a lunch or coffee-first
dates always in the daytime, less stressful for both
parties. After that, it is all genes and
chemistry. Let's face it-love is hard to find. But at
least if you are going out with a lot of people, meeting
new people quickly and efficiently (a key advantage of
online dating), you can expect to find someone to fall
in love with faster.
shy in your profile, or try to be overly politically
correct. If you think you don't want to go out with
people with kids, say so. If you have some particular
preferences for physical
attributes, height, body weight, etc. do mention
them clearly. You save yourself
unnecessary communication, and so does the other party.
is a bad idea to be negative, whine, or complain, in your
ad, even if you've
had some unsatisfying dating experiences or
relationships in the recent past.
In such cases, maybe it is better
to be single and just smell the roses for some time,
until you feel really ready to meet new
people again. However, mentioning negative
details in a matter-of-fact way is fine, e.g. women
saying "Men who are not looking for a committed
relationship please do not write."
Screens and Searches
screens or the searches available on
your dating site wisely (How
to select a dating site?). You can screen for
people living close to you, choose physical attributes,
religious preferences, smoking and drinking habits, and
many more categories. Yahoo even has a screen
based on sense
of humor type
(nothing funny about that...). Learning to use these
screens will save you considerable time-by narrowing
down the pool of potential candidates quickly.
surprising how many people are still shy about putting
their photo online. They are scared that the guy they
work with, or another acquaintance, will discover their
profile and somehow that makes them uncomfortable. Well,
guess what: those other people
are the ones who are behind the curve. Online dating is
here to stay, and you must be completely comfortable
with putting a profile on the Net, with photos, to look
for a partner. This WILL BE (it may already be) the most
popular way to meet new people.
By being upfront about putting your personal
your photo on a dating site, you
are embracing the future.
primary photo is a very important part of your
is the photo which shows in search results and when
people are casually browsing online dating ads.
If this is bad, people won't even bother to click and
look at your profile!
primary photo is a head shot, or
about a quarter of your body height, so you can see the
shoulders. It should be bright, your
face clearly visible
(brightness can be adjusted by software), with you
looking straight into the camera.
site allows you to put more than one photo, and you have
good photos, go ahead and upload them all. For the
secondary photos, photos with friends and family are a
good idea because they give
the impression that you are a
normal social human being. This is
specially true if you have kids - putting a secondary
photo with your kids gives an excellent first impression.
using sunglasses in photos. Do not be provocative or
too revealing (most sites will
not even accept such a photo).
Screening out after the responses
you have some responses from people who you would like
to know more, you start the second screening process.
Remember that it is likely that the people writing to
you are also writing to other people. Therefore, some
email exchanges will just cut off very abruptly; this is
a part of online dating which people find very difficult
to digest at first, but it happens in real life too.
It is just that in real life maybe we get clued in a
little better when someone doesnít want to communicate
with us anymore, plus they are more polite-they will say
they are busy with work so they wonít be able to go out,
etc. Get ready for some rude disappearances on the
Internet-but donít take them personally. It is just
people optimizing their time and spending their time
communicating with people who they feel they will get
along the best with. And if you have lots of responses,
as I did, you will sometimes act the same way-even if
you are not a rude or impolite person in real life.
you have started to get to know someone interesting,
normally with you exchanging emails with them, you may
want to keep an eye out to see if they have been lying.
A recent study found that men are most likely to lie
about whether they are in a relationship, and women
about their physical attributes and how they look. So
ask for more photos, and ask directly if they are single
or in a relationship.
Online Dating Safety
This section is more for the
women than the men.
Your chances of running into
an offhand lunatic are not any higher online than they
are in real life, but some precautions are new and apply
only online. These are just safety measures, and
should not in any way make you paranoid or less excited
about finding love online. Think of it as just
putting on your seat-belt in your car-thatís all.
Always exchange phone
numbers. When you give him yours, take his. Call him at
the number to confirm that he has not lied.
Once you do decide to meet a
guy, it is absolutely important that you
have the first meeting in a public place. Do not meet a
man in a hotel if he is from out of town. Do not have
him pick you up at your house; you donít want him to
know where you live. Before going on the first date,
make sure you inform some friend, roommate or family
member that you are going to meet Mr. XXX finally, after
having known him through the Internet.
in the day time, in a public place, for a coffee (e.g.
Starbucks). Do not meet for a drink in the evening in a
bar etc. for the first date.
that is not enough, consider informing a friend that you
are going on this date and the name of the guy and his
phone number. When you do meet him tell him that you did
this-this will deter him from doing something
silly-knowing that someone already knows that you are
seeing him. If you have a cell make a phone call telling
your friend that you are finally with the guy who you
wanted to see.
even this makes you uncomfortable, show up with a female
friend at the place where you fix the date with your
guy. Make the guy meet your friend, say hello to her-and
then ask your friend to leave for an hour or so (go
them-the first date!
goal in online dating contacts, emails, instant
messages, and phone calls should be to arrange a
face-face meeting as soon as possible. That's when the
fun really starts-everything before that is just a
preparation for the first real life meeting (date). So
give your your phone number fast, ask them to call you,
etc. with that single goal in mind-I want to meet this
person in real life as soon as possible. Of course
during the time when you are conversing with them with
emails, instant messages and photo calls-you should feel
that the other person is a good fit for you and has not
said anything completely strange. But the take home
message here is to arrange the first date fast after you
feel that there's nothing really wrong with the other
person-and avoid falling into the trap of trying to
get too much in information just from emails, instant
messages and phone conversations. They are a limited
way of getting to know someone-and the real test is the
face to face meeting.
on dating sites
The most important parts
of your online dating 'experience' are (in that order of
1. Your online dating
profile-who you are and what you are looking for.
2. Your primary photo
(your primary photo is the most important photo-that's
the one which shows in online dating search results when
people are browsing profiles online)
3. Your headline
The only thing to
remember in choosing a username is not to be too
crazy-don't choose psychofemale or lovesex or something
like that-all else is completely fine and you should do
well. I highly recommend highly neutral usernames e.g.
NewYorker3443, because then people are more likely to
read your headline, your profile and see your
photo-which is what you really want. Don't distract them
by a weird username is my strong recommendation.
Distance Relationships-they can work!
There is a common myth in
the world, especially the online dating world, that long
distance relationships don't work. People believe often
times that the long distance is the CAUSE of the
relationship failing. This is not true. Consider this:
-Plenty of pilots, flight
attendants, military personnel, who are traveling
constantly and have sometimes fairly long separations
from their significant others, have really nice and
-There are a lot of
divorces and separations in small towns between people
who have lived in these small towns all their lives.
From these two one can
conclude logically that distances are not a major factor
in relationships (not the make-or-break the relationship
Therefore, in online
dating, don't rule out matches which are not in your
town. Of course you shouldn't be writing to Latvian
women if you have no chance of being in Latvia, but the
idea is-keep an open mind, and do not rule out long
distance matches. If you are living 200km from a big
city which has a lot of singles and online dating
profiles-do contact these people, make a trip once every
few weeks to set up some dates, and meet these people!
Don't be disheartened by distance!
last minute cancellations and people standing you up
If you are in a big city,
you will certainly have some unpleasant last minute
cancellations and sometimes even people not even showing
up on the first date. This problem is unique to big
cities because people are going out on a lot of dates
every week in big cities, and are likely to change their
mind at the last moment more in a city than in a small
town where dating frequency per week is lower. It is
also because the "accountability" factor in big cities
is lower-you are not likely to run into the person you
canceled the date with. However, because this is one of
the most unpleasant experiences for online daters, some
tips are in order.
-Make sure you call your
potential date a few hours (lets say 6 hours in advance)
to see if they are still meeting you at the appointed
hour. You can also text message them on the cell phone
to confirm this.
-Make another phone call
15-30 minutes before you start out to meet them, just to
make sure they are as keen to meet you as you are to
meet them. This is a MUST DO-without this don't risk
going out of your way to meet someone. I have seen many
people get stood up cold because they didn't do this. If
your potential date doesn't answer your phone call, do
not go. There are exceptions of course (e.g. if they
don't have a cell phone, or have already informed you
that they won't be available for receiving a phone call
because they are at work, etc.) but in 99% of cases you
must give them a last minute call to see everything is
set for you first date.
-It is also advisable to
set up your date near to where you live or work-not
where they ask you to go. In case you are stood-up at
least you waste less time.
-Good behavior by you
encourages good behavior by others, and you should
likewise never cancel a date if there are less than 24
hours left. Do go and show up, even if it is for a 20
minutes coffee. Respect your commitments, and much like
obeying traffic laws, this will help you and everyone
else involved with online dating.
If you are in a small
town your possibilities are lesser than in big
cities-there simply are not that many single people
online. Much like in a business-your market size is much
larger in big cities than in small towns. But don't be
disheartened, there are a couple of good ways to get
around this problem (and this is a very serious problem
if the town you live in is really small).
Make your "place where
you live" in your dating profile the largest big
city/metropolis close to you. This is not the same as
you looking in that city for dates-you should declare
that you actually live in the big city. Why? Because
people in big cities won't even respond to profiles from
other towns and cities-they have plenty of profiles to
look at in their city! You want to show up in search
results and casual browsing in the big city, and that
means you should put your "place you live" in your
dating profile as the big city itself. Your responses
rates will be multiplied many times over if you declare
the place you live to be the biggest city close to you.
If you are not close to a
big city-hopefully there is a big city which you visit
often, or can visit often (have friends, family), make
that city your "place where you live". Then in your
profile declare that you live in two places-do not say
that you are visitor to the big city! Just say that you
spend time in both places, because of your work, or just
because you like the small town air for relaxing. But in
the standard box question of "where you live" only the
big city must show. There was a time when I lived in a
small city and went to a bit city for 5 days every month
almost exclusively for online dating! It worked like
You can still contact all
the people you want in the small town you live if you
declare in your profile that you live in two places-one
the big city, and the other the small town where you
actually live. The people in the small town you live
probably are not getting too many responses to their
ad-and will respond to you anyway, if they see in your
profile that you spend time there. You can also clear
this up with them in the first contact email you send
them-tell them that you actually live in their town and
spend quite a bit of time there, but live in the big
city as well for work or family or friends, for example.
After finding food and
shelter, finding love and a good partner should be the
right priority (higher than a good job or good salary)
and you may even consider moving to a big city simply
for online dating, to improve your odds of meeting
singles. This may lead to a substantial change in your
lifestyle and even a drop in your living standard, but
if finding love and a good partner are big priorities
for you, moving to a big city for a few years, primarily
for online dating, is a very smart thing to do.
recommend you visit his website
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